Jet Lag - Reverse Culture Shock - Reality

Good morning, or evening or what time is it????
There are so many interesting stories, sights and updates that I would love to blog about, but I cant. I cant seem to be able to reintegrate and function back into my psuedo-perfect American life. Everyone warned me that I would come back a "different person." I just assumed that it would be better.....but how can being so uncomfortable around my personal "home" surroundings be better? First of all my sleeping patterns are messed up and to make matters worse, I have one day to fix them. I must paste myself back into the reality pages of my life. Off to work, off to school, off to home....then do it again tomorrow and the next day and the next....
I miss the traffic...yes the traffic!! People living their lives at all hours of the night. I am still doing it, why isnt everyone else?!? I miss the sounds, the smells, the smog. The lizards chirping, the 'happy birthday' song, the durian stench, the smell of fish stock hanging in the air. All of these things that made me feel nausiated the first day I stepped foot outside in Ho Chi Minh are what I am craving. Mostly I miss the guineness and selflessness of the people. No fronts, no persona's to hide, no ego's to match. Pure, good hearted, soulful people. They were strangers and still welcomed me as if we were long lost friends reunited.
Obviously this wasnt a vacation for me. There are things that I have yet to discuss in my blogs, journals , etc that I studied, pondered and am still processing. I didnt just peek into another world's culture, I experienced it and lived it. I learned a little more about who Ashley is and who she shall become. I am scared, I am excited and I am blessed -- but I am torn. My heart feels broken. I still need time to process things and yet I have no more time. I am angry, humbled and tired.
Basically, I have no idea why I just vented and poured my guts out if only it was in my reaction to reverse culture shock. I had no idea how hard it truly would be for me. I am craving the company of those who experienced it with me and hardly anyone else. They know: they lived, breathed and experienced it a lot like I did. I dont hate my life here or the people around me. I just cant express the oddity that is my emotional rollercoaster. I am reading, researching, and planning my next trip. This is helping some, but I suppose this is something that just needs to be worked out over time.
So maybe I should clarify "better person." Maybe it doesnt quite register on the outside, but it does in my heart. Its so easy to want to shut the gate, but the road is long and wide open. Things that once mattered - trivial. Things that were of no concern - passion. What an experience? When does it end? Do I want it to end?
Peace ~ Ash